


the same three words (i am afraid)

by adamganseys



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-22 23:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6097441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamganseys/pseuds/adamganseys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Adam,” Ronan said again, and this time, his voice was a whisper. He took a deep, shuddery breath, as if steeling himself. Then he said, even more of a whisper than before, his voice so quiet and so small, “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”  </p><p>*</p><p>(Or, my response to the prompts "I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified" and "Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?")</p>
            </blockquote>





	the same three words (i am afraid)

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of my prompt responses, I'll hopefully be finishing the other ones soon! They were supposed to be drabbles but some of them got quite long. I also posted this on tumblr (http://lorelaiglmore.tumblr.com/post/139576366500/pynch-32-or-6).

When Adam opened the door to his apartment above St. Agnes on Friday after a long, exhausting night of work, the first thing he saw was a naked Ronan Lynch in his bed.

He froze, speechless, almost flustered, for reasons he didn’t really want to think about. Ronan was lying down in his bed, with only his boxers - boxers that were too low on Ronan’s hips for Adam to deal with - and a beer bottle in his hand. He was staring at the ceiling, seemingly not registering Adam’s presence.

Adam knocked himself out of his momentary stupor and said, “Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?”  

Ronan finally seemed to realize Adam was there, and he sat up, grinning lopsidedly at Adam, something absent in his gaze. “Parrish.” His words were slurred. 

Adam walked closer and sat down next to Ronan. On closer inspection, he realized that Ronan was wet - or at least damp - his muscled skin glistening and a few water droplets running down his chest. Then he noticed the discarded clothes on the floor, which were also damp. “That’s not an explanation, Lynch.”

“I fell into a fountain.” His words were slightly slurred.

“You what? Wait, nevermind, I don’t want to know.”

Ronan shrugged. “You probably don’t. Anyways, I was freezing my fucking balls off out there and my wet clothes were uncomfortable as fuck, so. I hope you don’t mind.” 

Adam glared at him. “I absolutely fucking mind.”

Ronan smirked, but there was something off about it. “Well, good thing I don’t give a shit.” 

Adam frowned, studying him for a moment. It had been a while since he’d seen Ronan this drunk. Though he certainly hadn’t stopped drinking, he wasn’t nearly as self destructive with it as he used to be. More concerning than that, there was something raw about his eyes, something desolate about his voice, no matter how much he tried to hide it. 

Adam sighed, and shifted a bit closer to the other boy, though they weren’t touching. “What happened?”

“Thought you didn’t want to know.”

“That’s not – I’m not talking about the fountain, or whatever other dumb shit you did tonight. I mean, _what happened?_ ”

Ronan was silent.

Adam said, softly, “Ronan.”

“What?” Ronan snapped. 

“Are you okay?”

Ronan laughed, and it was a bitter sound. “Probably not, but what else is new, Parrish.”

“Is there – I mean.” Adam broke off, frustrated. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“What do you think?”

“Okay. Okay.” Then Adam gently took the beer bottle from Ronan’s hand, and set it on the floor. Ronan let him. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Adam looking straight ahead, sneaking looks at Ronan, Ronan staring up at the ceiling, sneaking looks at Adam. 

Finally, Ronan spoke. “If I tell you something right now, can you promise never to mention it again?” His voice was quiet, and if he was sitting on Adam’s left side, he probably wouldn’t have been able to hear what he said. 

Adam hesitated. He didn’t know if he could promise that. “I don’t know. It depends,” he said, truthfully.

Ronan snorted. “Well that’s no fucking help.”

“If you never want me to mention it, why are you telling me?”

Ronan said nothing for some time. Them, “Because,” he said, quietly, “It’s fucking killing me, keeping it inside.” Adam’s heart lurched terribly at the poorly disguised pain in Ronan’s voice. 

“Tell me.” Adam wondered what Ronan was going to say. Adam wondered if Ronan was going to say what Adam thought he was going to say. Adam wondered if he should be saying it at all, since Adam knew he probably wouldn’t have if he was sober.

Adam could hear Ronan’s ragged breathing, saw his fists clench and unclench. “Adam—,” he started, and Adam almost flinched at the rawness in Ronan’s voice. 

Ronan didn’t say anything after that though, and Adam waited.

“Adam,” Ronan said again, and this time, his voice was a whisper. He took a deep, shuddery breath, as if steeling himself. Then he said, even more of a whisper than before, his voice so quiet and so small, “I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”  

Adam stilled. Was this really happening?  

_I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified._

Ronan Lynch was  _in love_  with Adam Parrish.

Adam’s heart thumped, flipped, fluttered, did somersaults, and all those other things that happened in cheesy romance novels. 

Adam didn’t say anything, but after a few moments, he finally dared to look at Ronan. Ronan wasn’t looking at him. Adam realized that Ronan was shaking, ever so slightly. He was looking straight ahead, but Adam could still see the vulnerability, the fear, the pain, in his eyes, and now, Adam’s heart broke. 

 _I did this_ , Adam thought, and it wasn’t the feeling of pride, of power, he usually got when he thought of Ronan’s crush on him. He couldn’t believe that he took someone as beautiful and impossible and fearless as Ronan Lynch, and reduced him to this. This small, destroyed, fearful creature. 

Adam supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised. From the day he was born, Adam Parrish had only made things uglier, dirtier. He broke things while Ronan created them. Somehow, it seemed he had broken Ronan. 

It had been quiet for too long. Ronan still wasn’t looking at him. Slowly, tentatively, Adam shifted, moving so that his shoulder was touching Ronan’s. The other boy stiffened, but didn’t move away. Adam could feel the heat from Ronan, pouring into him, pulling him towards this burning boy. 

Adam lifted his hand and put it on Ronan’s shoulder, squeezing tightly for a moment, then letting go. He definitely did not think about how Ronan’s bare skin felt under his hand, or the parts of his tattoo that he could see. “You should get some sleep,” Adam murmured. 

He didn’t know what else to say. He felt so useless. He wanted to offer comfort, he wanted to take Ronan’s hand and twine their fingers together, he wanted to wrap his arms around Ronan, to kiss him, to –

But he couldn’t. Because after all, Adam Parrish was a coward.

Ronan was looking at his lap, now, and he mumbled. “Whatever, Parrish.” He got ready to go on the floor, but Adam stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“Wait,” Adam said. Ronan froze, and Adam let go of Ronan, flushing. “Um. You should sleep on the bed.” 

Ronan finally, finally looked at him. His eyes were wary. “Where will you sleep?”

“On the bed. Look, you’ve obviously had a rough night and it’s too cold for me to let go of my extra blanket, so just. Sleep here. There’s enough room.” 

Ronan stared at Adam for a few moments, then nodded. He lied down, as far on the edge of the mattress as possible. Adam shut the lamp off and lay down too. Ronan turned on his side, facing away from Adam, curled into himself. Adam wanted so badly to reach out, to drape his arm over him, to offer something, anything, but he couldn’t. 

He didn’t fall asleep for a long time. When he woke up the next morning, Ronan was already gone. 

*

A few days ago, Adam and Ronan had made a plan to go to the Barns that Saturday, but Adam wasn’t surprised when Ronan didn’t show to pick him up. After the night before, he had guessed that Ronan would avoid him. Still, the disappointment and guilt and regret and want filled him. He wanted to see Ronan, but he didn’t know what to say, what to do, how to– God, he didn’t know anything.

When they all met up at Nino’s for dinner, Ronan wasn’t there. Adam asked Gansey, and he could tell by Gansey’s expression that he was worried. “I don’t know. He’s been— he’s been more withdrawn than usual today.” Gansey paused. “He only— he said he wasn’t coming after he asked if you were going to be here. Did you two fight again?”

“Something like that,” Adam muttered.

After Nino’s, Adam went back and forth in his head for over two hours. _I should go see Ronan. I should give Ronan some space. I should tell Ronan I feel the same way. But do I feel the same way? I should pretend like last night never happened. I should confront Ronan about what he said._

It was almost midnight when Adam finally got the courage to get into his shitty car and drive to Monmouth.

Gansey opened the door, wearing his wireframes. “Adam. What are you—“

“Is Ronan here?”

Gansey’s face cleared. “Ah. Yes. He’s in his room.” A pause. “Is everything okay?”

Adam bit his lip. “Not yet.”

Gansey nodded, patting him on the shoulder.

Adam knocked on Ronan’s door. “Fuck off, Gansey,” came the reply.

Adam entered, closed the door behind him. “Um. It’s me.”

Ronan looked up from where he’d been sitting on his bed, cradling Chainsaw in his hands. He was in the same state of undress that he was last night – this time, he wasn’t dripping wet, thank God – and Adam felt his face heat up from what that did to him.

Adam saw Ronan’s face show a flash of fear before it went back to its usual disinterest. “Parrish. The fuck are you doing here?” He sounded angry, but Adam knew better. Ronan had gotten up from his place on the bed, moving towards the door, standing across from Adam but still far away. Chainsaw had perched herself near a window.

Adam took a deep breath. “I—“ He didn’t know what to say, though. Hesitantly, he walked over to where Ronan stood, only a foot between them, now. Ronan was looking at the floor, chewing on his wristbands. “I wanted to see how you were, after, um. You know. You didn’t come pick me up for the Barns or come to Nino’s.”

“I’m peachy,” Ronan said through gritted teeth.

“Right,” Adam muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets. For a few moments both boys stood there awkwardly, in silence, not looking at each other. Then Adam decided to rip the bandaid off. “Look, Ronan, about what – what you said last night –“

“I thought we agreed that you were never going to mention that again,” Ronan said dangerously, his voice low and scathing.

Adam leveled him with a look. “No, you agreed. I said it depends on what you say. And what you said… we can’t… we can’t just not talk about it.”

“There’s nothing to fucking talk about.”

“But—“

“Just forget about it, Parrish.” A pause. “Please.” The please hit Adam in the gut, the way Ronan said it so softly and so desperately, a word that never came out of Ronan Lynch’s mouth.

Adam’s voice cracked. “Ronan…” He took a deep breath, moved closer. “I’m terrified too.”

Ronan looked up at him through his long eyelashes. He let out a disbelieving sound. “The fuck are you terrified of?”

Adam swallowed, then took Ronan’s hands in his. Ronan flinched, but didn’t pull away. They were so close. Adam could feel Ronan’s breath on his face.

So he leaned in.

It was a quick, chaste kiss, a bare press of lips before Adam was pulling back, but not all the way. Adam rested his forehead against Ronan’s, his eyes still closed. He didn’t know what Ronan’s face looked like in that moment.

“This. I’m terrified of this. I’m terrified of how much I want it.”

He heard Ronan let out a shaky breath. He finally opened his eyes, pulling away slightly. Ronan’s eyes were intense and vulnerable and afraid, staring at Adam like he was the answer to all of the world’s questions.

“Adam,” Ronan breathed. “Are you— Are you—“

Adam kissed him again. Ronan responded immediately, his hands coming to rest on Adam’s lower back. Adam put his hands on Ronan’s shoulders, then brought them lower, tracing his bare chest. He felt Ronan shiver, and hesitantly, he opened his mouth wider, feeling Ronan’s tongue, kissing him deeper. Ronan clutched him closer at that, and Adam gasped against his mouth.

After a few moments, he pulled away, and both of them were breathing hard. “Wait – I think –“ Adam cleared his throat, his voice embarrassingly hoarse. “Um. I think you should put some clothes on.”  His hands were still on Ronan’s chest, and he quickly stepped backwards, so that they weren’t touching.

Ronan raised his eyebrows. “Don’t like what you see, Parrish?”

Adam blushed, but he said, chin tilted up, “Maybe I like it too much, Lynch.”

Clearly, that wasn’t the response Ronan had been expecting, and his cheeks flushed a dark red. His voice was slightly strained when he stuttered, “Uh – Yeah, I – One second.” He went to his dresser and put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

Ronan walked back towards Adam. “Better?”

“Better is a relative term.”

Ronan rolled his eyes. “I already know you find me irresistible, Parrish.”

Adam snorted, but he couldn’t exactly deny it.

They stood there for a few seconds, awkward and unsure of where to go next. Ronan cleared his throat. “So, uh…” He looked at Adam, his eyes vulnerable again. “We’re really doing this?”

“Yeah. Yeah we are. And for future reference, if you want to confess that you’re in love with me, you don’t need to get drunk to do it.”

Ronan blushed at being reminded of his love confession.  “Well,” he said, a little breathy. “I’m sober now.”

Adam took Ronan’s hands in his, intertwining their fingers. “Yeah? Got something to say to me, then?”

Ronan smiled, and there was a shyness to the smile that was new and fragile. He leaned his forehead against Adam’s, and closed his eyes. “Yeah, Parrish, I believe I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter @adamganseys or tumblr @lorelaiglmore. Feedback is appreciated :)


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